HALLOWEEN COSTUME TIME MACHINE: SET IT TO 1954
Reader's Digest ranked the most popular Halloween costume for every year since the 1950s. One host's birth year got Indiana Jones, a movie he has never seen. The 1954 Batman costume gets a full roast: basically a sock on your head that 'ran funny and shot guys funny.' The decline of Western civilization officially starts in 1984 with Madonna.
COSTUME HACK: DRESS AS 1950s NUCLEAR PANIC
Want a costume nobody else has? Go atomic age. One of the guys caught 20 minutes of The Green Slime on TCM, basically proto-Aliens with an octopus that's 'full of radiation and like I gotta eat your face.' Then they theorize that radiation horror movies were the first anti-energy conspiracy, sponsored by Big Fossil Fuel. Giant ants, the Blob, Godzilla: an untapped costume goldmine.
PRE-WORKOUT RECALLED FOR CONTAINING… SPEED. SHOCKED, WE ARE.
The FDA recalled a pre-workout called RAPTURE because it contained an amphetamine-ish ingredient. Like the guys said, it was all in the title. Flavors include Rainbow Twist, Electric Lemonade and Berry Mojito. Return it for a full refund, if there's any left. No adverse reactions reported, because people were 'getting massive pumps, man.'
JOHNNY'S OMAHA SUPPLEMENT ERA: A CAUTIONARY TALE
One host confesses he lifted hardest in Omaha 'especially after I got fired, it's amazing how much time you spend in the gym.' He swears by creatine, but some mystery Walmart-shelf powder gave him farts AND a heart rhythm situation. The supplement aisle is the Wild West, and every tub is named something like Nightmare.
TIGER UNHARMED, CONTINUES BEING TIGER
A sad one from a wildlife park in Yorkshire: a man got into the tiger enclosure, and the tiger, notably, is fine and won't be punished for 'just doing tiger things.' The guys debate whether a tiger needs to be hungry to bother you (verdict: unclear, stay out of the enclosure). The moral: there are no winners here, but the majestic Siberian tiger lives on.
GUITAR CENTER LIFTS THE STAIRWAY BAN. GOD HELP US ALL.
Guitar Center is scrapping its unofficial in-store ban on playing Stairway to Heaven. One host didn't know it existed and immediately wants to go break it. It's part of a turnaround: more gear for serious players, open mics, and a 4% revenue bump. The guys wonder if Guitar Center would even have sold Jimmy Page a guitar, and the Wayne's World 'NO STAIRWAY' sign gets its moment.
THE GREAT PANDEMIC GUITAR GLUT
During COVID, everybody decided they were finally learning an instrument. Guitar Center stocked up on beginner axes, and then everyone went back to work and ignored them 'like a puppy in a movie.' Result: a mountain of $199 guitars. Also launched on air: a $29 audio guitar lesson club. No, it isn't real.
SAY 'RURAL' FIVE TIMES FAST: THE KITTEN BUS SCANDAL
In rural Maryland (the hosts try saying 'rural' five times fast; it goes poorly), a beloved school bus driver of 11 years was removed from her route for letting a student hop off and rescue an injured kitten. Parents are circulating a petition to bring her back. She buys the kids school supplies and Christmas gifts, and nobody is mad, except the rulebook.
PLOT TWIST: HE WAS THE ONLY KID ON THE BUS
Then comes the detail that changes everything: the kitten-saving boy was the ONLY kid on the bus. The guys lose it. An 'I Brake for Kittens' bumper sticker is getting ordered for the Town & Country (hello, episode title), there's talk of a GoFundMe, and a whole five dollars gets pledged. Somebody would stop on the Beltline to save a kitten, Ricky Bobby lane and all.