NATIONAL FLUFFERNUTTER DAY (NO, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK)
Neither host knows what a Fluffernutter is, and the first guess is 'that is sexual.' It is in fact peanut butter and marshmallow creme on white bread. One host begs for ONE day where the show isn't about ED. The answer: there are three more sponsorships to get in. No promises.
THE SANDWICH THAT KILLED ELVIS (ALLEGEDLY)
A history lesson: Snowflake Marshmallow Creme in 1913, Marshmallow Fluff in 1920, and an ad agency coining 'Fluffernutter' in 1960. Chefs say to toast the bread. Then it turns into the Elvis sandwich (peanut butter, bananas, bacon, honey, soaked in butter and fried), and the ultimate mashup: an Elvis-Fluffernutter grilled like a grilled cheese. Arteries everywhere filed a complaint.
MARSHMALLOW FLUFF: A LOVE STORY
Fluff 'makes me feel weird': it's basically marshmallow icing with ten ingredients nobody needs, and it's also fantastic and melts in your mouth. Somebody's mom kept a jar around for no reason. The plan now: buy a jar and smear it on each other when the leaves fall, so the leaves stick. Autumn is ruined.
GRANDMA'S COURTHOUSE DONUT DERBY
A 67-year-old Indiana woman was arrested for DUI after doing donuts on a courthouse lawn at lunchtime on a Monday, all of it on the courthouse surveillance cameras. Police shared the video with a gentle reminder not to do that. The hosts' review: honestly, she's got moves. 'It's not the first time she's whipped a donut.'
PIZZA SO GOOD, JUST ASK KYLE
A 21-year-old St. Louis man allegedly put $3,000 of stolen credit card numbers into his local pizza joint over two months, more than 60 bucks a day. The owner had delivered to his apartment and picked him out of a lineup. Proposed ad campaign: 'Pizza so good, just ask Kyle.' Remaining mystery: how does one guy eat that much cheese? Theory: nine kids.
THE STOLEN CREDIT CARD CLUB
How does a stolen card end up at a crab shack in Boston? One host has had a card used at a Chuck E. Cheese on the west side, and when the bank asked, the answer was 'No, it's a very dangerous place, I don't go there.' The guys picture a Stolen Card of the Month Club, then get a crash course in skimmers, keyloggers and phishing.
GRANDMA PLANKS FOR FIVE HOURS, HOSTS NAP
Donna Jean Wild, a 61-year-old grandmother of 12, held a plank for FIVE hours and broke her own world record. She got started after breaking her arm: 'I couldn't run, but I could plank.' One host hates planking so much that just hearing about it makes her elbows hurt. Then the funeral plans: put the rigor-mortis body in a plank and use it as a coffee table in the studio.
THE MAN WHO WATCHES HIS PUMPKIN GROW
A giant pumpkin so big it rivals a Chevy Silverado. The grower reportedly spends six hours a day hanging out with it, watching it grow and practically listening to it gain four pounds. The verdict: 'I love weirdos. Weirdos are my favorite.'
1,474 POUNDS OF FRIES (AND A RIGGED QUIZ)
Idaho set a world record for the largest serving of French fries: 1,474 pounds made from 1,700 pounds of spuds, with 50 chefs and six fryers. Wisconsin is quietly offended. Then a quiz on which states grow the most potatoes turns into accusations of cheating, extra guesses, and someone getting set up. (It's Washington and Wisconsin.)